30 Days Writing Challenge: Day 1 Describe about yourself

Describe about yourself

Hi, I’m Vishnu. I am from Kochi, Kerala, a state in India. I am currently working at an IT company, I like dancing, drawing, bleh bleh bleh...Ok wait, this is easy- might work if you are attending an interview. But, I don’t think explaining yourself is an easy thing to do.

What are we thinking when we are asked to explain ourselves. Why do we stutter or go blank when we are asked that question? Isn’t that question the one we ask ourselves more often? I don’t know about you but I do. I’m a very introspective person and trust me it’s a curse!

I often dwell on these philosophical thoughts.

Who am I? What is my purpose?

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It is a pretty hard question. I am not sure if I’ll ever get a satisfying answer. It feels like it gets more complicated when I look into that...& when I look into it more internally things get entwined and confused.

But, I will not stop my search for an answer. I really want to find who I am and what I want.

Actually, I don’t remember when I started taking these questions seriously. Maybe it was the loneliness that pulled me into these sides of thoughts. Yes, being alone can make you think. It is when you actually try to think deeply.

I guess it was during my teenage years that I started feeling lonely. Basically, I’m an introvert. I liked my time alone...(or IDK if I was forced to become an introvert due to my living conditions). But, am I an extrovert? People who know me from school or college might disagree on these. Even I was confused!

Then I found this word for being introverted and extroverted equally- “AMBIVERT”

Yeah, I might be an ambivert. I like being alone, I’m shy at some social gatherings (at first), I am not so confident in confronting people in person, etc...and my extrovert side can make me a pretty friendly person, I can have conversations with almost anyone, I like talking to a stranger or mostly listening to them and I like attention...(some people would say I’m an attention seeker), etc...

This ambiguity or inexactness is part of my whole life.

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Sometimes it affects me badly too...I become incapable of making decisions. I felt like my conscience is very strong. I remember this quote:

“There are 3 sides to me- the good, the bad, and the one who judges”

This is my whole life. I am a good person just like everyone else. But I am also the worst just like everyone else.

But, how can I tame myself to become the good one, always?

I’m often encountered with my other side. The side which I hate.

But what is bad & good?

I think our thoughts are just conditioned to think in binary.

Good/Bad, Pretty/Ugly, Men/Women, etc...

But, there is a Grey area right?

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I believe we have to be open to more experiences. Then you can experience more out of life. That is something I tried to embrace. Have more empathy and be open.

It truly did open my mind and I could feel that freedom (at least my mind could)

It hit right at the back of my head.

We are in a Matrix. You’ll be given that red pill and blue pill. It is up to you which pill you should choose.

You can live your entire life in plain ignorance or you can get out of the system and see the bigger picture.

So, what did I choose?

Yeah, you guessed it right. I took the RED PILL

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I am learning to think about things differently. But, being different comes with another baggage of curse.

You will be the BLACK SHEEP

So, what happens to the black sheep? It gets lost. Because now it has to find its own way that is less travelled.

He has now given a purpose to find the purpose! (but is it really necessary?)

Being different is not so easy when every other person right beside you is in a rat race. You are either running in the opposite direction or you are just slowly walking at your own pace. You’ll get confused and thereby afraid of the destiny that is uncertain.

Well, this is what I chose right. I did know I had to walk this road alone. I am ready to accept the repercussions. It can hurt you. But, it’s something that I am ready to sacrifice, for my peace.

Along with that, one thing that is annoying is when you have to explain all this to other people. I mean I don’t even know myself, then how can I explain myself to you?

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I want to know what my true intentions are. Then only you can lead a life that you really want. I don’t want to do things out of peer pressure.

Also, I think if you are not clear about what you want you might get manipulated by people.

But, the last thing I want to have is a fake impression of myself. I want to be honest, not just honest but brutally honest. I want to explore people and cultures and find myself through them. I believe travelling solo can help.

I understand that this is a journey. But, only if you allow yourself to go through this you will understand or create meaning out of life.

I used to believe in Nihilism/Absurdism...but I think one can accept the reality that life has no meaning and find one that you think is good for and live for it!

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*will be continued...

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